The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly
by deadthingsdontfly
Summary: Captain’s Log, stardate… uh… stardate… um… Friday afternoon. I ate a cheese sandwich today. It tasted okay… but I can’t help feeling suspicious… I think it was a timetraveling cheese sandwich! And that is how it began. Read at your own risk!
1. The Planet

AN: This was originally written/submitted on July 10th, 2004. It is being resubmitted (at least 6 chapters, though I may 'improve' and add more) due to Really, Really Dumb circumstances. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own… space (inner or outer), any of the Star Trek characters, Star Trek itself, time anomalies (far too overdone but really plotful), cheese sandwiches (the idea itself is mine though, neeheehee), insanity.

Claimer: I own… the claimer (I actually created this in my other story "The Bishonen Phenomena", but I've actually SEEN people use it! SQUEE! That's so cool! ), Hen-Neko, the anomalous cheese sandwich lord.

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**Chapter One - The Planet  
**  
Space… the final frontier… well, technically, we know more about space than we do about the deep ocean. But the point is… space, the final frontier for Laurel to invade/mess up. I must warn you, what you are about to read may or may not shock/scar you for the rest of your life. This is Laurel's crazy-side… and by Jim-Bob's cousin Larry, is it ever _weird_!

Prepare… for the ultimate Star Trek fanfic… wait for it… wait for it… wait fo- NOW!

**Picard:** Captain's Log, star-date… uh… star-date… um… Friday afternoon. I ate a cheese sandwich today. It tasted okay… but I can't help feeling suspicious… I think it was a time-traveling cheese sandwich! It must have been; the cheese was slightly melted, obviously showing time-travel had occurred only minutes before I ate it. I think it was against me, damned evil thing, wot wot!

**Riker:** Captain? (wrenches open the sliding door instead of waiting for it to open automatically) Are you okay? I heard you ate a suspicious-looking cheese sandwich!

**Picard:** I did. It was slightly melted…

**Riker:** NOOOOOOOO!

**Data:** (suddenly enters through the now-broken door) Captain, I am getting some anomalous readings from the planet sir.

**Picard:** We're at a planet? (looks surprised)

**Data:** Yes sir. We have been for some time.

**Picard:** Oh… I… I see… (pauses as if thinking) Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: After I finished my distrustful cheese sandwich I discovered we were in orbit around a planet. (to Data) What is the planet's name?

**Data:** It is merely called "The Planet", sir.

**Picard:** (looks thoughtful) I see… I see….Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: it is called the Planet… I think my cheese sandwich must have come from there. It only makes sense, seeing as I am the only one who knows… I won't tell the crew yet, they've been acting suspicious. (eyes Data and Will accusingly)

**Riker:** Sir, you're speaking aloud. We can hear you.

**Picard:** Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: …VERY suspicious…

(A few minutes later, in the bridge)

**Data:** Captain, the anomalous readings are becoming more anomalous!

**Picard:** How so?

**Data:** The vibrational patterns seem to be spelling B-O-W-T-O-T-H-E-A-N-O-M-A-L-O-U-S-C-H-E-E-S-E-S-A-N-D-W-I-C-H, sir…

**Worf:** It may be code. We should blow up the planet, just in case. (frowns)

**Troi:** I don't think it's code, but I feel an immensely evil aura around that planet.

**Picard:** Of course! Don't you see! FOOLS! (leaps from his chair and flings himself to the ground, simulating an action sequence) What was that?

**Riker:** Sir, nothing hit us… you just flung yourself to the ground…

**Picard:** Ah, well… in any case, (stands and straightens his uniform) it was my cheese sandwich.

(everyone within the room freezes in horror, the music becomes dark and scary as the camera close-ups on Picard, who grins crazily but quickly changes to a more serious look)

**Picard:** Yes, it's true… Data, set a course for the planet.

**Data:** Captain, I am not entirely sure that is a good idea. If we get any closer to the anomalous planet, the anomalous readings will become far too anomalous for our shields to withstand. They would buckle in a matter of minutes, sir.

**Picard:** (furrows brow) Set the damn course.

**Data:** Course laid in.

**Picard:** (pauses and stares intensely at The Planet to add suspense) …Engage!

(the Enterprise zooms toward the planet, then suddenly the planet becomes a huge ball of yellow moving energy. On deck, there is a lot of blaring alarms, flashing lights, and everyone is flinging themselves around the bridge)

**Riker:** What's happening? (is clinging to a chair)

**Data:** The anomalous planet has become… an anomalous time rift anomaly… (looks at the captain)

(Music climaxes as the screen close-ups on Picard again. The show goes to a commercial, and, upon returning, everything is just as it had been)

**Picard:** (flings himself toward a coffee machine and other needed items to make coffee) How much longer until we reach the anomaly Mister Data? (sounds bored)

**Data:** Approximately never, sir.

**Picard:** What? Why ever not? (looks confused)

**Data:** We're not moving sir. The anomaly has knocked out our auxiliary and super-auxiliary power.

**Picard:** Well… get them back online then! (sips his coffee while flinging himself around the bridge, splashing many unnamed extras and giving third-degree burns to most of them)

**Data:** I have compensated for the disturbance but-

**Picard:** YAY!

**Data:** but the anomaly is pulling us in!

**Riker:** BOO!

**Troi:** Urge to kill… RISING! (kills a nameless extra) Oops… the evil-ness of the anomalous anomaly is affecting BRAIN! MY BRAIN! (runs screaming around the bridge, but luckily knocks herself out by careening into an extra, crushing his bones)

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Will the cheese sandwich succeed in pulling them in? _Will_ Riker (ah ha ha ha ha ha! BAD pun! I'm sorry… ha ha ha ha… hoo…) ever figure out those sliding doors? Will Troi kill more extras? Will they have names? Find out next time in… **The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!**


	2. Do Not Anger The Cheese Sandwich

**Chapter Two - Do Not Anger The Cheese Sandwich**

(back on the bridge, everything is back to the normal, the lights are still flashing to signal a "red alert" but the crew is no longer leaping about in a comical fashion. The huge yellow anomaly is still pulling them in.)

**Data:** The anomaly is pulling us in sir!

**Riker**: You said that already!

**Data**: I am merely clarifying the current plot for the readers.

**Riker**: Oh, of course…

**Picard**: How much longer until the anomaly pulls us in?

**Data**: Approximately-

(Data is interrupted when suddenly the anomalous anomaly expands and engulfs the ship. They are now 'falling' into a worm-hole of some kind… for some reason)

**Data**: Now sir...

**Picard**: WHEEEEEEEE!

**Troi**: Urge to kill… RISING! RISING! RIS- (is cut off by Crusher's act of knocking her out)

**Crusher**: Ah… that's better.

**Worf**: It is a good day to die and perha-

**Riker**: Shut up!

**Worf**: (grumbles inaudibly)

(suddenly the worm-hole ends and they find themselves in a big black expanse… oh wait… that's just space… heh)

**Picard**: Oh… (looks disappointed) Where are we?

**Data**: I believe it is more a matter of when…

**Picard**: (sighs) ok… WHEN are we? (shakes his head)

**Data**: It is the year 2004, sir. July 12th to be exact.

**Riker**: (gasps) Wait a second… so?

**Picard**: the cheese sandwich has done this! (flings himself from his chair) NOOOOOOOO!

(everyone looks at Picard, who suddenly feels awkward and stands up)

**Picard**: So, now what?

**Worf**: We should blow something up! (yells from the back)

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

**Worf**: (grumbles inaudibly again)

**Picard**: Wait! I have an idea! I know why we're here!

**Riker**: Oooooo! Tell us! Tell us!

**Picard**: wait… I must add suspense… (raises an eyebrow as the camera moves closer) The cheese sandwich has come to… blow up the ocean. (dramatic music plays) Mr. Data… set in a course for… EARTH!

**Data**: Course laid in sir… but… how do you know? It is highly unlikely that a cheese sandwich would want to blow up the ocean, neither is blowing up the ocean possi-

**Picard**: Engage!

**Data**: (exasperated sigh)

**Worf**: YAY! We get to- (pauses) I mean… it is a good day to-

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

(time passes within an instant as the show returns from a commercial. They are now orbiting Earth)

**Data**: I am picking up some anomalous readings from-

**Picard**: Anomalous you say? Now that's new… what kind?

**Data**: It appears to be a ship.

**Picard**: Then hail them! Do whatever you do to get the talky-thing to work! (sits in his chair)

**Data**: Done sir.

**Picard**: This is the U.S.S. Enterprise. We ha-

**Janeway**: Oh my GOD! PEOPLE! (Janeway is shown on the screen, looking frantic)

**Picard**: Hiya, so whatcha doin'?

**Janeway**: This isn't the real Earth! CHEESE! SO MUCH! AHHH! It's coming! AHHHHHHHHHH- (the screen blinks out and there is a lot of static-screaming until finally that is gone)

**Crusher**: Oh my…

**Picard**: Well… that's not good is it?

**Riker**: What should we do…?

**Worf**: Maybe the "cheese" will kill us to, we should blow it u-

**Picard**: (glares at Worf)

**Worf**: (grumbles inaudibly… again)

**Troi**: ANGER! RISING GRARG! (wakes up and kills another anonymous extra with a spork)

**Crusher**: (sighs and knocks out Troi again)

(suddenly the screen changes again to show a cheese sandwich sitting on a plate)

**Cheese Sandwich**: (with a British accent) Why hello there! What would you be doing?

**Picard**: It's YOU! (looks surprised)

**Riker**: NOOOO! (falls to his knees, yanking at his hair)

**Cheese Sandwich**: Yes… it is I! CHEESE SANDWICH! (evil laughter)

**Picard**: Why have you brought us here, Cheese Sandwich?

**Cheese Sandwich**: I am sending you on a quest… you are going to… um… um… uh…?

**Picard**: …yes?

**Cheese Sandwich**: um… (looks around) Wait! I know! I will send you to THE PAST! (to itself) Yes… YEEEES! That's the ticket…

**Picard**: What? Why?

**Cheese Sandwich**: DO NOT QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY CHEESE SANDWICH! (lightning flashes)

**Troi**: RISING! (is knocked out)

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Well, that was pointless… I hope you liked it. Will Troi ever get to be normal again? Will Picard ever eat a cheese sandwich again? Will laurel do something USEFUL? Find out next time in… The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!


	3. Faeries of Faeria

This chapter needs revising... but... I'm quite lazy. Just know that it's not as good as the rest of it.

* * *

**Chapter Three - Faeries of Faeria**

(in the captain's "ready room" ready for what, you ask? Uh… shut up! Picard is sitting at his desk. In his hands are two figurines of the Enterprise, which he is now playing with.)

**Picard**: (zooms one of the Enterprise models around) wheeeeeee! (crashes the two together and simulates laser sounds) pchoo! Die die!

(suddenly Riker wrenches open the door again, which had been fixed. Picard freezes, trying to hide the models behind his back)

**Riker**: uh…

**Picard**: You didn't see anything. (glares)

**Riker**: No, of course not… (grins) Sir, the cheese sandwich has request we 'ready ourselves' for the Ridiculous Inter-Dimensional Space-Time Leap.

**Picard**: Then we should do that.

**Riker**: okay, I'll get started. (wrenches open the door to leave)

**Picard**: (looks around before pulling out the Enterprise models again) pchoo p-kow! Rowr! Vvvvrrrr…

(Worf enters, pausing as the Captain throws the models behind his back again)

**Picard**: Can't I EVER get any privacy?

**Worf**: Sir, I think we should attempt to destroy the Cheese Sandwich.

**Picard**: (rolls his eyes) I know.

**Worf**: Why are we just sitting here if it's going to-

**Picard**: You're making no sense… maybe you have the flu… (goes to replicate a cold cloth) Do you have a fever?

**Worf**: (angry) I do NOT have the flu! Klingons do NOT succumb to viruses! (is interrupted by a cold cloth smacked on his forehead)

**Picard**: Ya-huh… I know. (looks skeptical)

**Worf**: ARG! I hate you people! (storms out of the room)

**Picard**: (looks smug) Ah… (returns to his desk to retrieve the models)

(suddenly, Geordi LaForge enters with several tricorders)

**LaForge**: Sir, I think you should look at this.

**Picard**: (stands up suddenly with the models in hand) Oh, um… how did these get here? (puts them on his desk and sits) Let's see. (takes a tricorder and looks it over) What about it?

**LaForge**: Watch… (takes one and points it at a relic on Picard's desk. The object becomes a block of cheese)

**Picard**: (gasps) My god… that was a priceless artefact!

**LaForge**: (ignores him) It became cheese. It does that with all of them and even with the replicators and phasers…

**Picard**: (picks up the cheese and takes a huge bite) Hm… Cheddar… interesting.

**LaForge**: Yes… wait… let me test something… (takes off his visor) I'M BLIND! (runs around screaming and bumping into things) AHHH!

**Picard**: Geordi! You were always blind! (shakes his head)

**LaForge**: No! It was the cheese! THE CHEEEESE! (runs from the room)

**Picard**: (sighs and shakes his head) Captain's Log supplementary… The Cheese Sandwich is planning on sending the Enterprise back in time. There is nothing to do but wait and hope tha-

(suddenly a puff of Indigo smoke appears and a fifteen year old girl with blonde hair and blue-green eyes, carrying a laptop, appears in it's place. Laurel looks around, confused.)

**Girl**: Wait… this isn't Disneyland!

**Picard**: (stares at her) WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? (flings himself at the ground again)

**Laurel**: (turns around) Oh! Uh… I'm a… um… FAERIE! (nods) From the planet… Faeria. (nods again, this time with a wide grin)

**Picard**: Oh… okay. (gets up and brushes himself off) So where's my gold?

**Laurel**: That's leprechauns, sir… (looks exasperated)

**Picard**: Really?

**Laurel**: Really.

**Picard**: Oh… (looks disappointed as he takes out a piece of paper) Faeries equal… no gold… (writes it on the paper and sighs) Well, what do you have?

**Laurel**: Uh… magical Faery dust that puts you to sleep! (knocks him out with the block of cheese)

**Picard**: Mommy! (falls on the ground, apparently knocked out)

**Laurel**: (sighs with relief) That was close… (to the readers) let's pretend this didn't happen! (Laurel disappears, apparently to Disneyland)

**Picard**: (wakes up) Owie… my head… damn those Faeries! This means war! WAAAAR! (screams in a war-like fashion and runs from the room)

(meanwhile, on the bridge)

**Riker**: (talking to Troi) And then I totally kicked his butt!

**Troi**: Ooooooo! (swoons)

**Picard**: (enters) Mr. Data! Hail the Cheese Sandwich!

**Data**: Done sir.

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: (is in the shower when the screen turns on) AHH! Holy mozzarella!

**Picard**: Cheese Sandwich, I call a temporary truce. We need you to defeat the Faeries of Faeria!

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: (glares… if that's possible) Ah, so you have been overpowered by their magical Faery dust as well I see?

**Picard**: We must defeat them!

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: I suppose I'll help…

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Will Laurel fix this dilemma? Will the Cheese Sandwich actually help them? Did Riker ever actually 'kick his butt'? Find out next time on… **The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!**


	4. This Kind of Stings My Eyes

**Chapter Four - This Kind of Stings My Eyes  
**  
(The Captain arranged a truce with the anomalous cheese sandwich. They have agreed to meet on the Enterprise to discuss things. In his ready room, Picard is meeting with the cheese sandwich)

**Picard**: So, it's agreed. We will attack the evil Faeries of Faeria.

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: Yes! With my knowledge of Cheese-technology and your ship, we will unite to defeat a common enemy!

**Picard**: (is staring at the cheese sandwich feeling a bit hungry…)

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: I have given you the coordinates to the planet of Faeria! I will assemble my fleet and we will attack!

**Picard**: Hmm? Oh, um yes! Of course!

(the cheese sandwich disappears, presumably beamed back to his 'ship', which looks like a huge block of Swiss Cheese… cough cough… bad joke…)

**Picard**: Damn… I should've eaten it. (furrows his brow in a frown)

(meanwhile on the bridge…)

**LaForge**: (enters through another broken automatic door, screaming and running around) AHHHH! The Cheese! BLIND! (crashes into Data)

**Data**: Geordi, you have always been blind. Here, (hands him the visor)

**LaForge**: (puts it on and looks surprised) What manner of device is this? I was blind, but now I see? (gasps) MIRACLE!

**Data**: (frustrated sigh)

(suddenly Picard enters, skipping)

**Picard**: I'm gonna start a war! I'm gonna start a war!

**Worf**: (quietly) YES!

**Picard**: Set a course for FAERIA! (laughs evilly)

**Everyone**: (stares)

**Troi**: I sense chocolate cake nearby… uh… (looks around) I have to… uh… go. (rushes out)

**Worf**: (gasps) My precious! (rushes out after her) is he talking about the cake or Troi…? Uhg… I shouldn't have thought about it…

(suddenly the show goes to a commercial, and upon returning the ship is shown orbiting a small green planet)

**Picard**: ATTACK! (flails his arms as he runs around the bridge) whoop whoop whoop whoop!

**Data**: Would it not be wise, sir, to speak with the Faeries first?

**Picard**: No. They're evil.

**Riker**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (falls to his knees)

**Picard**: (annoyed) Yes they are! I said so, so POO ON YOU! (glares at Riker)

**Wesley**: Ha ha ha! That captain said POO! (points and laughs)

**Everyone** **on** **the** **bridge**: (glares at him in silence until Wesley gets nervous and runs screaming from the room like a little girl)

**Troi**: (suddenly enters her face covered in chocolate) Uh… I had to check on… my… pet… gopher. (shifty look) Yeah…

**Worf**: (follows her in) NOOO! My cake! (cries uncontrollably and runs from the room, face in hands)

**Troi**: (sighs) Now I'll have to deal with HIM again…

**Picard**: (raises an eyebrow) okaaaay… anyway, where was I…? Oh yes! (runs around again) SHOOT!

(we are shown planet Faeria and an explosion is heard. A small building on the planet turns to ruins)

**Picard**: (laughs) AH HA HA! We win!

(suddenly a ship uncloaks nearby. It is pink, small and looks like a heart.)

**Data**: The Faeries are hailing us sir.

**Picard**: (sits) Talking-thing them too then.

(on the screen appears a short woman with wings, she carries a wand and a crown.)

**Faery** **Queen**: (in a sweet, high-pitched voice) Why are you shooting at us sir? (bats eyes)

**Picard**: Evil being, we have declared war on you! (laughs evilly)

**Faery** **Queen**: Oh, I see… (pauses) Well then. I hope you're ready for some extreme ass kicking. (to a nearby faery) Ready the Faery Dust!

(the screen shows a huge hand coming out of the heart-shaped ship holding a huge block of cheese. The hand smacks the Enterprise with the cheese-block. On the bridge, everyone flings themselves to the ground.)

**Picard**: What was that? (clings to his chair)

**Riker**: The Faeries are attacking, sir!

**LaForge**: (runs in, his visor in one hand) I'M BLIND! They made me BLIND! (flails his arms wildly and runs around)

**Worf**: (looks around) It is a good day to die-

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

**Picard**: AHHH! SHOOT THEM! With LASERS! AND DUCKS! Use the DUCK-GUN!

**Troi**: (gasp) FEAR! FEAR! UNBARABLE FEAR! (runs around)

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Will the duck-gun work? Will the Faeries kick Picard's ass? Do we even want to HEAR about Picard's ass…? Uhg… find out next time in… The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!


	5. And here's where it all went wrong

Disclaimer: I do NOT own… space (inner or outer), any of the Star Trek characters, Star Trek itself, time anomalies (far too overdone but really plotful), cheese sandwiches (the idea itself is mine though), insanity.

Claimer: I own… the claimer (I actually created this in my other story "The Bishonen Phenomena", but I've actually SEEN people use it! SQUEE! That's so cool! ), Hen-Neko, the anomalous cheese sandwich lord.

-------------------------------

**Chapter One - The Planet  
**  
Space… the final frontier… well, technically, we know more about space than we do about the deep ocean. But the point is… space, the final frontier for Laurel to invade/mess up. I must warn you, what you are about to read may or may not shock/scar you for the rest of your life. This is Laurel's crazy-side… and by Jim-Bob's cousin Larry, is it ever _weird_!

Prepare… for the ultimate Star Trek fanfic… wait for it… wait for it… wait fo- NOW!

**Picard:** Captain's Log, star-date… uh… star-date… um… Friday afternoon. I ate a cheese sandwich today. It tasted okay… but I can't help feeling suspicious… I think it was a time-traveling cheese sandwich! It must have been; the cheese was slightly melted, obviously showing time-travel had occurred only minutes before I ate it. I think it was against me, damned evil thing, wot wot!

**Riker:** Captain? (wrenches open the sliding door instead of waiting for it to open automatically) Are you okay? I heard you ate a suspicious-looking cheese sandwich!

**Picard:** I did. It was slightly melted…

**Riker:** NOOOOOOOO!

**Data:** (suddenly enters through the now-broken door) Captain, I am getting some anomalous readings from the planet sir.

**Picard:** We're at a planet? (looks surprised)

**Data:** Yes sir. We have been for some time.

**Picard:** Oh… I… I see… (pauses as if thinking) Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: After I finished my distrustful cheese sandwich I discovered we were in orbit around a planet. (to Data) What is the planet's name?

**Data:** It is merely called "The Planet", sir.

**Picard:** (looks thoughtful) I see… I see….Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: it is called the Planet… I think my cheese sandwich must have come from there. It only makes sense, seeing as I am the only one who knows… I won't tell the crew yet, they've been acting suspicious. (eyes Data and Will accusingly)

**Riker:** Sir, you're speaking aloud. We can hear you.

**Picard:** Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: …VERY suspicious…

(A few minutes later, in the bridge)

**Data:** Captain, the anomalous readings are becoming more anomalous!

**Picard:** How so?

**Data:** The vibrational patterns seem to be spelling B-O-W-T-O-T-H-E-A-N-O-M-A-L-O-U-S-C-H-E-E-S-E-S-A-N-D-W-I-C-H, sir…

**Worf:** It may be code. We should blow up the planet, just in case. (frowns)

**Troi:** I don't think it's code, but I feel an immensely evil aura around that planet.

**Picard:** Of course! Don't you see! FOOLS! (leaps from his chair and flings himself to the ground, simulating an action sequence) What was that? 

**Riker:** Sir, nothing hit us… you just flung yourself to the ground…

**Picard:** Ah, well… in any case, (stands and straightens his uniform) it was my cheese sandwich.

(everyone within the room freezes in horror, the music becomes dark and scary as the camera close-ups on Picard, who grins crazily but quickly changes to a more serious look)

**Picard:** Yes, it's true… Data, set a course for the planet.

**Data:** Captain, I am not entirely sure that is a good idea. If we get any closer to the anomalous planet, the anomalous readings will become far too anomalous for our shields to withstand. They would buckle in a matter of minutes, sir.

**Picard:** (furrows brow) Set the damn course.

**Data:** Course laid in.

**Picard:** (pauses and stares intensely at The Planet to add suspense) …Engage!

(the Enterprise zooms toward the planet, then suddenly the planet becomes a huge ball of yellow moving energy. On deck, there is a lot of blaring alarms, flashing lights, and everyone is flinging themselves around the bridge)

**Riker:** What's happening? (is clinging to a chair)

**Data:** The anomalous planet has become… an anomalous time rift anomaly… (looks at the captain)

(Music climaxes as the screen close-ups on Picard again. The show goes to a commercial, and, upon returning, everything is just as it had been)

**Picard:** (flings himself toward a coffee machine and other needed items to make coffee) How much longer until we reach the anomaly Mister Data? (sounds bored)

**Data:** Approximately never, sir.

**Picard:** What? Why ever not? (looks confused)

**Data:** We're not moving sir. The anomaly has knocked out our auxiliary and super-auxiliary power.

**Picard:** Well… get them back online then! (sips his coffee while flinging himself around the bridge, splashing many unnamed extras and giving third-degree burns to most of them)

**Data:** I have compensated for the disturbance but-

**Picard:** YAY!

**Data:** but the anomaly is pulling us in!

**Riker:** BOO!

**Troi:** Urge to kill… RISING! (kills a nameless extra) Oops… the evil-ness of the anomalous anomaly is affecting BRAIN! MY BRAIN! (runs screaming around the bridge, but luckily knocks herself out by careening into an extra, crushing his bones)

-------------------------------

Will the cheese sandwich succeed in pulling them in? _Will_ Riker (ah ha ha ha ha ha! BAD pun! I'm sorry… ha ha ha ha… hoo…) ever figure out those sliding doors? Will Troi kill more extras? Will they have names? Find out next time in… **The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!**

**Chapter Two - Do Not Anger The Cheese Sandwich**

(back on the bridge, everything is back to the normal, the lights are still flashing to signal a "red alert" but the crew is no longer leaping about in a comical fashion. The huge yellow anomaly is still pulling them in.)

**Data:** The anomaly is pulling us in sir!

**Riker**: You said that already!

**Data**: I am merely clarifying the current plot for the readers.

**Riker**: Oh, of course…

**Picard**: How much longer until the anomaly pulls us in?

**Data**: Approximately-

(Data is interrupted when suddenly the anomalous anomaly expands and engulfs the ship. They are now 'falling' into a worm-hole of some kind… for some reason)

**Data**: Now sir...

**Picard**: WHEEEEEEEE!

**Troi**: Urge to kill… RISING! RISING! RIS- (is cut off by Crusher's act of knocking her out)

**Crusher**: Ah… that's better.

**Worf**: It is a good day to die and perha-

**Riker**: Shut up!

**Worf**: (grumbles inaudibly)

(suddenly the worm-hole ends and they find themselves in a big black expanse… oh wait… that's just space… heh)

**Picard**: Oh… (looks disappointed) Where are we?

**Data**: I believe it is more a matter of when…

**Picard**: (sighs) ok… WHEN are we? (shakes his head)

**Data**: It is the year 2004, sir. July 12th to be exact.

**Riker**: (gasps) Wait a second… so?

**Picard**: the cheese sandwich has done this! (flings himself from his chair) NOOOOOOOO!

(everyone looks at Picard, who suddenly feels awkward and stands up)

**Picard**: So, now what?

**Worf**: We should blow something up! (yells from the back)

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

**Worf**: (grumbles inaudibly again)

**Picard**: Wait! I have an idea! I know why we're here!

**Riker**: Oooooo! Tell us! Tell us!

**Picard**: wait… I must add suspense… (raises an eyebrow as the camera moves closer) The cheese sandwich has come to… blow up the ocean. (dramatic music plays) Mr. Data… set in a course for… EARTH!

**Data**: Course laid in sir… but… how do you know? It is highly unlikely that a cheese sandwich would want to blow up the ocean, neither is blowing up the ocean possi-

**Picard**: Engage!

**Data**: (exasperated sigh)

**Worf**: YAY! We get to- (pauses) I mean… it is a good day to-

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

(time passes within an instant as the show returns from a commercial. They are now orbiting Earth)

**Data**: I am picking up some anomalous readings from-

**Picard**: Anomalous you say? Now that's new… what kind?

**Data**: It appears to be a ship.

**Picard**: Then hail them! Do whatever you do to get the talky-thing to work! (sits in his chair)

**Data**: Done sir.

**Picard**: This is the U.S.S. Enterprise. We ha-

**Janeway**: Oh my GOD! PEOPLE! (Janeway is shown on the screen, looking frantic)

**Picard**: Hiya, so whatcha doin'?

**Janeway**: This isn't the real Earth! CHEESE! SO MUCH! AHHH! It's coming! AHHHHHHHHHH- (the screen blinks out and there is a lot of static-screaming until finally that is gone)

**Crusher**: Oh my…

**Picard**: Well… that's not good is it?

**Riker**: What should we do…?

**Worf**: Maybe the "cheese" will kill us to, we should blow it u-

**Picard**: (glares at Worf)

**Worf**: (grumbles inaudibly… again)

**Troi**: ANGER! RISING GRARG! (wakes up and kills another anonymous extra with a spork)

**Crusher**: (sighs and knocks out Troi again)

(suddenly the screen changes again to show a cheese sandwich sitting on a plate)

**Cheese Sandwich**: (with a British accent) Why hello there! What would you be doing?

**Picard**: It's YOU! (looks surprised)

**Riker**: NOOOO! (falls to his knees, yanking at his hair)

**Cheese Sandwich**: Yes… it is I! CHEESE SANDWICH! (evil laughter)

**Picard**: Why have you brought us here, Cheese Sandwich?

**Cheese Sandwich**: I am sending you on a quest… you are going to… um… um… uh…?

**Picard**: …yes?

**Cheese Sandwich**: um… (looks around) Wait! I know! I will send you to THE PAST! (to itself) Yes… YEEEES! That's the ticket…

**Picard**: What? Why?

**Cheese Sandwich**: DO NOT QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY CHEESE SANDWICH! (lightning flashes)

**Troi**: RISING! (is knocked out)

-------------------------------

Well, that was pointless… I hope you liked it. Will Troi ever get to be normal again? Will Picard ever eat a cheese sandwich again? Will laurel do something USEFUL? Find out next time in… The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!

**Chapter Three - Faeries of Faeria**

(in the captain's "ready room" ready for what, you ask? Uh… shut up! Picard is sitting at his desk. In his hands are two figurines of the Enterprise, which he is now playing with.)

**Picard**: (zooms one of the Enterprise models around) wheeeeeee! (crashes the two together and simulates laser sounds) pchoo! Die die!

(suddenly Riker wrenches open the door again, which had been fixed. Picard freezes, trying to hide the models behind his back)

**Riker**: uh…

**Picard**: You didn't see anything. (glares)

**Riker**: No, of course not… (grins) Sir, the cheese sandwich has request we 'ready ourselves' for the Ridiculous Inter-Dimensional Space-Time Leap.

**Picard**: Then we should do that.

**Riker**: okay, I'll get started. (wrenches open the door to leave)

**Picard**: (looks around before pulling out the Enterprise models again) pchoo p-kow! Rowr! Vvvvrrrr…

(Worf enters, pausing as the Captain throws the models behind his back again)

**Picard**: Can't I EVER get any privacy?

**Worf**: Sir, I think we should attempt to destroy the Cheese Sandwich.

**Picard**: (rolls his eyes) I know.

**Worf**: Why are we just sitting here if it's going to-

**Picard**: You're making no sense… maybe you have the flu… (goes to replicate a cold cloth) Do you have a fever?

**Worf**: (angry) I do NOT have the flu! Klingons do NOT succumb to viruses! (is interrupted by a cold cloth smacked on his forehead)

**Picard**: Ya-huh… I know. (looks skeptical)

**Worf**: ARG! I hate you people! (storms out of the room)

**Picard**: (looks smug) Ah… (returns to his desk to retrieve the models)

(suddenly, Geordi LaForge enters with several tricorders)

**LaForge**: Sir, I think you should look at this.

**Picard**: (stands up suddenly with the models in hand) Oh, um… how did these get here? (puts them on his desk and sits) Let's see. (takes a tricorder and looks it over) What about it?

**LaForge**: Watch… (takes one and points it at a relic on Picard's desk. The object becomes a block of cheese)

**Picard**: (gasps) My god… that was a priceless artefact!

**LaForge**: (ignores him) It became cheese. It does that with all of them and even with the replicators and phasers…

**Picard**: (picks up the cheese and takes a huge bite) Hm… Cheddar… interesting.

**LaForge**: Yes… wait… let me test something… (takes off his visor) I'M BLIND! (runs around screaming and bumping into things) AHHH!

**Picard**: Geordi! You were always blind! (shakes his head)

**LaForge**: No! It was the cheese! THE CHEEEESE! (runs from the room)

**Picard**: (sighs and shakes his head) Captain's Log supplementary… The Cheese Sandwich is planning on sending the Enterprise back in time. There is nothing to do but wait and hope tha-

(suddenly a puff of Indigo smoke appears and a fifteen year old girl with blonde hair and blue-green eyes, carrying a laptop, appears in it's place. Laurel looks around, confused.)

**Girl**: Wait… this isn't Disneyland!

**Picard**: (stares at her) WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? (flings himself at the ground again)

**Laurel**: (turns around) Oh! Uh… I'm a… um… FAERIE! (nods) From the planet… Faeria. (nods again, this time with a wide grin)

**Picard**: Oh… okay. (gets up and brushes himself off) So where's my gold?

**Laurel**: That's leprechauns, sir… (looks exasperated)

**Picard**: Really?

**Laurel**: Really.

**Picard**: Oh… (looks disappointed as he takes out a piece of paper) Faeries equal… no gold… (writes it on the paper and sighs) Well, what do you have?

**Laurel**: Uh… magical Faery dust that puts you to sleep! (knocks him out with the block of cheese)

**Picard**: Mommy! (falls on the ground, apparently knocked out)

**Laurel**: (sighs with relief) That was close… (to the readers) let's pretend this didn't happen! (in a puff of indigo smoke, Laurel disappears, apparently to Disneyland)

**Picard**: (wakes up) Owie… my head… damn those Faeries! This means war! WAAAAR! (screams in a war-like fashion and runs from the room)

(meanwhile, on the bridge)

**Riker**: (talking to Troi) And then I totally kicked his butt!

**Troi**: Ooooooo! (swoons)

**Picard**: (enters) Mr. Data! Hail the Cheese Sandwich!

**Data**: Done sir.

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: (is in the shower when the screen turns on) AHH! Holy mozzarella!

**Picard**: Cheese Sandwich, I call a temporary truce. We need you to defeat the Faeries of Faeria!

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: (glares… if that's possible) Ah, so you have been overpowered by their magical Faery dust as well I see?

**Picard**: We must defeat them!

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: I suppose I'll help…

-------------------------------

Will Laurel fix this dilemma? Will the Cheese Sandwich actually help them? Did Riker ever actually 'kick his butt'? Find out next time on… **The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!**

**Chapter Four - This Kind of Stings My Eyes  
**  
(The Captain arranged a truce with the anomalous cheese sandwich. They have agreed to meet on the Enterprise to discuss things. In his ready room, Picard is meeting with the cheese sandwich)

**Picard**: So, it's agreed. We will attack the evil Faeries of Faeria.

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: Yes! With my knowledge of Cheese-technology and your ship, we will unite to defeat a common enemy!

**Picard**: (is staring at the cheese sandwich feeling a bit hungry…)

**Cheese** **Sandwich**: I have given you the coordinates to the planet of Faeria! I will assemble my fleet and we will attack!

**Picard**: Hmm? Oh, um yes! Of course!

(the cheese sandwich disappears, presumably beamed back to his 'ship', which looks like a huge block of Swiss Cheese… cough cough… bad joke…)

**Picard**: Damn… I should've eaten it. (furrows his brow in a frown)

(meanwhile on the bridge…)

**LaForge**: (enters through another broken automatic door, screaming and running around) AHHHH! The Cheese! BLIND! (crashes into Data)

**Data**: Geordi, you have always been blind. Here, (hands him the visor)

**LaForge**: (puts it on and looks surprised) What manner of device is this? I was blind, but now I see? (gasps) MIRACLE!

**Data**: (frustrated sigh)

(suddenly Picard enters, skipping)

**Picard**: I'm gonna start a war! I'm gonna start a war!

**Worf**: (quietly) YES!

**Picard**: Set a course for FAERIA! (laughs evilly)

**Everyone**: (stares)

**Troi**: I sense chocolate cake nearby… uh… (looks around) I have to… uh… go. (rushes out)

**Worf**: (gasps) My precious! (rushes out after her) is he talking about the cake or Troi…? Uhg… I shouldn't have thought about it…

(suddenly the show goes to a commercial, and upon returning the ship is shown orbiting a small green planet)

**Picard**: ATTACK! (flails his arms as he runs around the bridge) whoop whoop whoop whoop!

**Data**: Would it not be wise, sir, to speak with the Faeries first?

**Picard**: No. They're evil.

**Riker**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (falls to his knees)

**Picard**: (annoyed) Yes they are! I said so, so POO ON YOU! (glares at Riker)

**Wesley**: Ha ha ha! That captain said POO! (points and laughs)

**Everyone** **on** **the** **bridge**: (glares at him in silence until Wesley gets nervous and runs screaming from the room like a little girl)

**Troi**: (suddenly enters her face covered in chocolate) Uh… I had to check on… my… pet… gopher. (shifty look) Yeah…

**Worf**: (follows her in) NOOO! My cake! (cries uncontrollably and runs from the room, face in hands)

**Troi**: (sighs) Now I'll have to deal with HIM again…

**Picard**: (raises an eyebrow) okaaaay… anyway, where was I…? Oh yes! (runs around again) SHOOT!

(we are shown planet Faeria and an explosion is heard. A small building on the planet turns to ruins)

**Picard**: (laughs) AH HA HA! We win!

(suddenly a ship uncloaks nearby. It is pink, small and looks like a heart.)

**Data**: The Faeries are hailing us sir.

**Picard**: (sits) Talking-thing them too then.

(on the screen appears a short woman with wings, she carries a wand and a crown.)

**Faery** **Queen**: (in a sweet, high-pitched voice) Why are you shooting at us sir? (bats eyes)

**Picard**: Evil being, we have declared war on you! (laughs evilly)

**Faery** **Queen**: Oh, I see… (pauses) Well then. I hope you're ready for some extreme ass kicking. (to a nearby faery) Ready the Faery Dust!

(the screen shows a huge hand coming out of the heart-shaped ship holding a huge block of cheese. The hand smacks the Enterprise with the cheese-block. On the bridge, everyone flings themselves to the ground.)

**Picard**: What was that? (clings to his chair)

**Riker**: The Faeries are attacking, sir!

**LaForge**: (runs in, his visor in one hand) I'M BLIND! They made me BLIND! (flails his arms wildly and runs around)

**Worf**: (looks around) It is a good day to die-

**Everyone**: SHUT UP!

**Picard**: AHHH! SHOOT THEM! With LASERS! AND DUCKS! Use the DUCK-GUN!

**Troi**: (gasp) FEAR! FEAR! UNBARABLE FEAR! (runs around)

-------------------------------

Will the duck-gun work? Will the Faeries kick Picard's ass? Do we even want to HEAR about Picard's ass…? Uhg… find out next time in… The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!

**Chapter Five - And here's where it all went wrong...**

(The flashy lights are blinking, the alarm is sounding, and the crew is once again flinging themselves around.)

**Troi**: (is running around) FEEEEEEAAAARRRRR! ALL AROUND ME! AHHHHHHHH-ck (trips over some fallen and nameless crewmembers, instantly crushing their bones) Oops…

**Nameless Crewman 574**: (looks around) Oh my god… I'M AN EXTRA! (screams) NOOOOOO! What's my NAAAAAAME!

**Picard**: (looks at him) Uh… um… 5...7...4?

**Nameless Crewman 574**: I can't believe it! I always thought I had an important job! All I do is play Tic-Tac-Toe all day on this touch screen! (starts crying uncontrollably)

**Troi**: Hmm… (looks at the large group of people Nameless Crewman 574 is standing in) I sense some sort of sadness over in… this general area (waves her finger in a huge arc around the room, completely ignoring Nameless Crewman 574 who has collapsed into a sobbing mess) I just can't pinpoint it.

**Picard**: Who cares! (clings to Riker) JUST FIRE THE DUCK-GUIN!

**Nameless Crewman 3**: (raises her hand)

**Picard**: Yes?

**Nameless Crewman 3**: (stands) What's the Duck-Gun? (is immediately shot "accidentally" by a phaser)

**Picard**: Uh… (shifty eyes)

**Data**: The Duck-Gun uses a special hybrid duck that emits super-charged particles from it's "bill". When shot from a cannon, these birds discharge a stream of highly active neutrons and electrons tha-

**Everyone else**: (stares with a look of confusion)

**Riker**: Basically it shoots laser-shooting ducks.

**Everyone**: OOOH!

**Data**: That is what I sai-

**Picard**: FIRE!

(A giant hand holding an oversized gun-shaped laser emerges from the ship. It shoots once and many large rubber duckies fly out. The birds stop about halfway to the other ship and suddenly begin to pelt it with lasers)

**Picard**: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! (sips his tea) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(the ship explodes in a huge ball of fire. Suddenly millions of similar ships appear)

**Faerie 1**: (over the hailing-thingy) You have killed the queen!

(every ship opens to show a large white hand holding a block of cheese)

**Faerie 1**: (over the hailing-thingy) PREPARE TO DIE!

**Picard**: Uh oh… Run away!

**Nameless Crewman 574**: Oh my GOD! It's a war! I'M gonna die! (cowers in a corner)

**Troi**: (is eating cake again) Now, now… It's not a war! It's just a… disagreement. (smiles brightly)

**Nameless Crewman 574**: But the captain just started a WAR with the Faeries! (looks exasperated)

**Troi**: Nuh-uh…

**Nameless Crewman 574**: Ya-huh! (is almost shot by a phaser) AHH! What the hell! Who did that?

**Worf**: (whistles and looks around, pretending not to notice)

-------------------------------

Will the Enterprise get away? Will Nameless Crewman 574 be killed 'accidentally'? Will Troi get really, really fat from eating all that cake? Find out next time in… **The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!**

**Chapter Six - Dun dun DUN!  
**  
(The ship is still attempting to escape after the initial attack on the Faeries. On the bridge everyone is running around screaming and flailing their arms. The Faeries' ships are very fast and they are gradually catching up.)

**Picard**: AHHHHHHH! Go to maximum warp!

**Nameless** **Crewman** **2.3**: We ARE at maximum warp! (finishes his line and is immediately killed by random debris)

**Picard**: Then go to Super-happy-fun-warp-of-impossible-and-unimaginable-speed-such-a-high-speed-that-it-could-tear-the-fragment-of-time!

**Everyone**: (gasps)

**Data**: But Captain… that's not even pos-

**Picard**: DO IT!

**Nameless** **Crewman** **67**: (randomly presses some buttons) Here we go!

(The screen suddenly flashes white, then green, then yellow, then white again and continues in this pattern for a while. Then, suddenly, the ship is shown careening down a pink tunnel with red hearts. The crew flings themselves around again.)

**Scotty**: (with a Scottish accent) Cap'n! She can't take no more!

**Picard**: Who are you?

**Scotty**: (with a Scottish accent) Uh… (shifty eyes) they're on to me! (runs away)

**Riker**: Oooookaaaay…

(The crew all fling themselves around a while longer and this time sparks fly and a random piece of technology become dislodged and something explodes)

**Picard**: Red alert!

**Nameless** **Crewman** **3000**: It's too late! (somehow manages to die when the camera angle changes)

**Troi**: We've take heavy casualties, Captain! We have to get out of Super-happy-fun-warp-of-impossible-and-unimaginable-speed-such-a-high-speed-that-it-could-tear-the-fragment-of-time!

**Picard**: (is staring at the hearts in the tunnel) Ooooo… pretty… (smiles with a crazy looking grin)

**Worf**: (calls from the background) Blow it up!

**Troi**: Stop saying that…

**Worf**:… wait… aren't you an empath? (dodges random debris, which smacks into a nameless crewman… poor things…)

**Troi**: (pulls more cake from her pocket) Ya, so…? (eats cake)

**Worf**: … well… look at all of the snivelling humans… shouldn't you-

**Troi**: FEAR! INCREDIBLE FEAR! (screams)

(suddenly the ship's lights go off and the entire thing rattles around for a bit. The tunnel of pink terror and fearful hearts ceases to exist. Somehow… the faeries are gone… in fact… you might say… they weren't even born yet… because it's slightly different… in terms of TIME!)

**Picard**: DUN DUN DUN!

**Riker**: What are you doing?

**Picard**: …uh… shut up! (glares)

**Riker**: (backs away slowly)

**Troi**: (gets off the pile of nameless crewman that had broken her fall) Where are we…? (gasps) Where's my CAKE!

**Worf**: That's MY cake! (pouts) I made it in my baking class…

**Picard**: (close up on his face) Perhaps it is more a question of when… (looks mysterious)

**Riker**: …What? What are you talking about?

**Picard**: Didn't you hear the narration?

**Riker**: …

**Picard**: I hear VOICES! (stares at Riker)

**Riker**: Uh…

**Nameless** **Crewman 574**: What the hell is going on? I haven't made an appearance in an entire chapter…

**Crusher**: Speak for yourself… I've been standing here since the second chapter.

**Wesley**: Same here! (looks happy)

**LaForge**: Don't you have a job or something…?

**Wesley**: I press buttons! (looks… happier…)

**Picard**: Shut up back there... We're TRYING to have a tea party. (is sitting at a tiny plastic table on a tiny plastic chair sipping imaginary tea with several stuffed animals) Do you want some tea Mr. wombat?

**Everyone**: (takes a step away from Picard)

--------------------------------------------------------

Will anything ever happen? Will Picard stop hearing voices?

Sure, and not likely.

But for other questions, find out next time in… **The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!**


End file.
